Hey, come here…
I need to tell you something…
But we’ve gotta whisper. The Feds are listening. They’re spying on us through the grass.
No, not the kind you smoke, the grass out in your yard. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. I got this intel from a credible source. My friend’s friend’s uncle worked for the NSA. He said the program started in 2017. January 20th. Inauguration day. Promise me you won’t breathe a word of this. The guy knows everything. Unless you wanna wind up inside a black site, trust me, discretion’s key.
You get what I’m saying, right? Not. A. Single. Word.
As our new president stood on the Capitol steps with right hand raised swearing an oath to defend the country, counterintelligence agents met biotech engineers in a secret Pentagon bunker. Their mission, enhanced surveillance for US citizen control (think facial recognition 2.0), but instead of using hidden cameras, they dirtied up their game. They found a way to weaponize soil.
Scientists sampled dirt from all fifty states, then took it back to Silicon Valley, where they loaded it with specialized 5G cells that record every word you say. The stuff’s capable of sprouting microphones that look like grass, devices undetectable to the naked eye. Walk across it barefoot, you won’t feel a thing—the technology’s fucking terrifying. By now, the Feds have it planted everywhere, from farms to parks, ball fields, schoolyards…it’s probably on your lawn.
So, bid farewell to your picnics and croquet. They sure were nice while they lasted. And say hello to the new normal: American authoritarianism.
I know what you’re thinking. Why wasn’t this reported on the news? Fake media’s in on the conspiracy too. They’re the Machiavellian smoke screen that blocks viewers like you from realizing the truth. If you’re a patriot who fights for liberty, you’re going to need to do these three things:
- Steer clear of open meadows
- Keep tabs on gardeners
- Zeroscape your property
Yeah, you heard me right. Landscaping’s your defense. Destroy every blade of fascist grass you see. Sound can’t travel through solid stone. It’s the only way to stop government spying. Drastic times require drastic measure, and 2020 hasn’t been child’s play. Rise up and protect your right to privacy. Go out and zeroscape your lawn today.
Intense delusion, suspicion, or sense of grandeur associated with psychotic disorder. Formerly sequestered to societal fringe, now fully baked into the mainstream. Stems from the ancient Greek paranoos, meaning “beyond mind,” the word coined in a time when tempestuous Gods were thought to cause mental illness.
Everybody experiences paranoia. It’s a phenomenon of the human psyche. To an extent, it’s Darwinistic; when feeling fear, the fittest flee. Rather than question if a person’s paranoid, we should instead examine the severity. Are their thoughts hostile? Disruptive? All-consuming? Or are they passive and tempered by reason?
But paranoia isn’t always neurologically induced. Sometimes, it’s created. Sometimes, people seeking power harness it to cull control—a classic move from the demagogue’s playbook. Birtherism, climate denial, refugee invasions, QAnon’s “Great Awakening”; all conspiracies scripted to terrify you and wrangle political sway. This tactic is nothing new. It’s as practiced as civilization itself. Look back in history and you will see republics shaped by paranoid thinking.
In 399 BCE, fearful of Socrates’ nontheistic teachings, an Athenian jury condemned him to death by self-inflicted poison. Convicted for his criticism of religion and politics, both rumored to threaten public safety, to corrupt the city’s youth into social deviance, and enrage the deities. During a time when Athens was ravaged by plague and crushing military defeat, the courts needed someone to fault for their misfortune, so Socrates became their scapegoat.
Centuries later, July, 64 CE, a blazing fire incinerated Rome. For more than six days, it burned through over two-thirds of the city, leveling districts and leaving hundreds dead. Many suspected the tyrant Nero started it, a man who planned to build an extravagant palace where the blackened rubble lay. Famously, he was fabled to have played the fiddle while watching the city burn. But Nero pinned the arson on impoverished Christians, minorities whom he believed had plotted a coup. Nero, a known torturer of the marginalized group, used propaganda to villainize them.
Fast-forward to 1776, when the United States gained its independence. In relatively quick time after that, conspiracies were American made. First, conservative Federalists fighting for central government accused their Jeffersonian opponents of supporting mob rule. Then, the Jeffersonians accused the Federalists of wanting to destroy democracy altogether. In the 1950s, Senator Joe McCarthy caused mass hysteria when he inflated a Cold War Communist scare. His relentless investigations incited national distrust, damaged innocent lives, and numerous careers. Today, a secretive deep state run by globalist elites is a favored talking point of the GOP. Never mind your government’s kleptocratic tendencies, George Soros paid Black Lives Matter activists to overthrow American suburbs.
With outlandish conspiracies flooding our screens, we’ve got to be more paranoid than ever before?
We’re no more paranoid than those of eras past. Media, not our minds, has changed. Anyone with Internet has 24-7 access to algorithmic reality. Click a button, swipe a screen, press your finger for ID, information skews as it reaches us; and it’s delivered at a frequency far faster than anything that’s come before. Ever since tribalism waged war on facts, we’ve been left to siphon substance from lies, tread the line between science and personal belief. We are living in a post-truth world.
So, if you think your grass is spying on you, no worries…it’s 2020. Nothing and everything seem plausible in the self-quarantined upside down. Make no mistake, though, that story’s fake news. Your lovely lawn can stay as is. Don’t go tearing your grass out of the ground. I’m pretty sure it’s not recording you.
But if you did believe it, you might also like to know that Michael and Janet Jackson are the same person. Ever see the two together in public? No, I didn’t think so.
Lastly, a PSA for all you fact-checkers out there: “Zeroscape” isn’t a word.